New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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