forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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