dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
