i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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