Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
