He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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