I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
