why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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