I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
