I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
