There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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