I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
