Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
