im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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