It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
