So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
