Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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