At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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