it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
