the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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