I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
