I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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