Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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