thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
