Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
