yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
