just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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