Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
