Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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