Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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