If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
