I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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