I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize