You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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