if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
