That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
