my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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