Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
