Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
