You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
