Sponge bath it is.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
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They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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