I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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