I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
