i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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