Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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