flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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