Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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