I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
