I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
