So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
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i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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