My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
