oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
