my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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