I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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