it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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