she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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